Stage Three: Bargaining
Just as the name implies, this is when we find ourselves attempting to strike a deal — with God, a higher power, or even the doctors committed to our care. This is also a stage of “if only” or “what if” statements and we might find ourselves dealing with feelings of guilt. This was true in my case as I often wondered if the outcome would have been different “if only” I had taken it seriously in the beginning.
After dealing with anger and irrational thoughts, bargaining is our attempt at rationalizing the situation and regaining control. Certainly, we want to protect ourselves from the pain of our new reality and the unchartered territory of our condition, but ultimately our purpose here seems to be asking that the illness not completely ruin our lives.
We are willing to do anything to have the situation change — or at least that is what we wish to proclaim. Obviously, this willingness to do anything is not completely realistic, but it can motivate us into receiving proper treatment.
Stage Four: Depression
Although the stage of bargaining may motivate us to receive treatment, the depressive stage may halt that motivation in its tracks. As the reality of our condition sets in, we may become overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness, emptiness, and sadness. This is a natural response to loss, and chronic illness is certainly a loss – the loss of what our life once was.
You might find yourself withdrawn during this stage, as I did. There were times I wondered, “What’s the point? I’m going to be sick forever, so why bother fighting?” It is important to recognize that these are normal feelings, but we cannot let them control our outlook on life.
Often with depression comes anxiety. We may find ourselves worrying about insurance, medical bills, social situations, the inability to live up to expectations, or the course our future will take. I found that being open and honest about these feelings helped combat them and my doctor was reassuring and helpful.
Being depressed or feeling anxious does not mean you are unstable or mentally ill, and experiencing these feelings may very well be necessary to healing. We are human and those around you may understand your feelings better than you realize.
Stage Five: Acceptance
This stage is the ultimate goal and yet I believe it is greatly misunderstood. Accepting lupus does not mean that we are suddenly okay with being sick.
In fact, I’m not convinced that is even possible! I do not think I will ever get to the point of thinking it is all right; however, I can acknowledge the reality of my illness and come to terms with it.
For some, this is a peaceful state and an opportunity to find new enjoyments in life. The reality of the situation is that I am sick and my life looks different than it did before, but that does not mean it no longer has purpose. Through acceptance, we may find a new outlook on life. We make adaptations and gain a better understanding of what we are faced with.
This stage also provides a renewed spirit and a willingness to fight. I have become knowledgeable about my illness, see my doctors regularly, and take my medications appropriately. I have a lot to live for and I appreciate small victories.
Lupus is a condition I have, but it does not define who I am. By ultimately accepting my new life, I have a greater appreciation for all it has to offer. As a result, an abundance of learning and growing opportunities have arisen that I would never have experienced otherwise and I am grateful each day for that actuality.
Embrace who you are and all you have to offer. Recognize that you are an extraordinary person and take the opportunity to spread lupus awareness to those who have no knowledge of what lupus is. By doing this, you can effectively bring meaning to your life and potentially find that acceptance is a far more desirable stage to endure.
